Leave Her, Johnny

Remarks Wednesday 10th of February 1869, 612th Day

Squall early. Strong winds from the NW and we are making no progress towards the Sandwich Islands. At least four in the focsle have signs of the scurvy now or at least that is what Antonio says as he thinks he is an expert on the scurvy. There may be more who are hiding it or have not realized they have it. It is a disease that will spread to all of us in time I am sure but the focsle has it worst because the air is so bad there. Even if there is rain people want to be out on the deck. Tobey does not yet have it and neither do I but none in the steerage do so it does not surprise me that I have been spared so far. I am very grateful for that and for Tobey being healthy still. It is a miserable disease but I do not think we are in too much danger from it as I have known men who had it before and they recovered after some time on shore and as long as we get to the Sandwich Islands in a good time then it will be an excuse for all of us even those who are not sick to have some liberty. And there will be other ships there in port it may be possible for Tobey and I to leave this one. I keep saying this to myself though it is not much of a hope and part of me has resigned to staying on for the rest of the voyage because if I carry around too much hope it begins to hurt like homesickness does. You learn to let those things go after some time at sea or you try to. If there is one thing the waves are good at it is scrubbing you clean of everything that is not necessary for you to survive. It has already been almost two years I will survive the rest of the journey. Well so long as I do not get the scurvy. But if this headwind ends we will make it to port within the next two weeks I have seen our position on the charts. Barometer 30.1.

Remarks Thursday 11th of February 1869, 613th Day

Headwind changed around 4 ½ A.M. we are moving again all are relieved. Barometer 29.8.

Remarks Friday 12th of February 1869, 614th Day

Squall early in the day but making good progress N with strong wind from the SSW. Tobey has asked if those most afflicted will be sure to get liberty on shore and I said yes. He had a very calculating look in his eye when he asked that question, which I am sure means that he is wondering if he could act as though he had the disease, but I do not think he will. Tobey is a very proud man and hates being ill or thought of as ill.

It is no wonder that so many are sick. Our food has gone from bad to worse. Had a look at the last of our potatoes and was almost overcome by the smell none could be saved. After we opened the crate and the air flew out at us in force rather than just leaking I held my breath for what felt like the whole time it took to pull it onto deck. I half suspect it was that foul smell making people ill. They had rotted into a black slime and we pitched them over side. I thank the Lord that no one suggested there might be value in eating them. They would have been fed to the pigs if we had any pigs left but we haven’t had animals for months. Maybe in port we will get some more.

I say that maybe in port we will do this or that but this is to stop myself from thinking that in port I will

I will not think about it!

Barometer 29.8 and falling.

Remarks Saturday 13th of February 1869, 615th Day

Continuing N though stopped by midmorning by heavy gale and it was all we could do not to get blown completely over. Barometer 29.6.

Remarks Sunday 14th of February 1869, 616th Day

Continuing N. Bad weather has passed over us and it is calmer now though we could use a little more wind. We are making good time. Some sails on the horizon a merchant ship I think. Barometer 29.7. 

Remarks Monday 15th of February 1869, 617th Day

Heading NNE. Good wind and fair weather. Antonio with his expert judgment says that another man has the scurvy. Well if Antonio says so! Mood on the ship is poor despite our good progress N and you can see it is getting even to me. The master does not want to go to port he has very little good to write back home and he will have even less good to say when half the crew deserts. But what else can he do the scurvy is no small thing. He will bring us into port and he will write letters home to the agents and the business and tell them what has happened and where we have been and most importantly how much oil they can expect us to bring home. Not as much as he would ever want.

And what will I say to You my dear? Do I have anything to say in a letter back home?

The photograph of Master Paul’s wife is still hung above the table in the main cabin. It is a funny ritual some in the steerage have when we come in to get our dinner they say Hello Mrs. Williams you’re looking fine as ever today. I hope you don’t mind me asking you to pass along a message to someone at home do you. Will you tell my wife Will you tell my friend Jack Will you tell my mother.

It’s a very pagan thing to do and disrespectful though none do it with any malice. She is not some spirit she’s a woman who soon will get a letter telling her that the man she’s waiting for is dead at sea and buried somewhere that might as well be the end of the earth.

O my dear I can understand why you never wanted to marry me I always did understand. It would be a shame to make you a widow.

Remarks Tuesday 16th of February 1869, 618th Day

Heading N. Good wind rain in afternoon clear by 7 ½ P.M. Tobey not feeling well and I told him to let Antonio take a look to see if he has the scurvy and Tobey said he wasn’t going to let somebody look at his teeth like a horse. So he may just be ill from something else I don’t know. Well we will be in port soon and I will make sure he gets some good air that’s not all cramped up in the focsle and fresh water and some rest. Barometer 30.2.

Remarks Wednesday 17th of February 1869, 619th Day

Heard words no one wants to hear when we are heading to port. Charles was aloft and spotted a whale. There she blows! I did not even know there were whales in this area it seems like with so many ships coming to the Sandwich Islands all the time the water here would have been picked completely clear of every living thing or all the whales would have gotten wise and gone somewhere else. But Charles saw some. Maybe they are lost and have wandered into this part of the world by accident. We lowered boats right away and were out on the water all day looking. Came back to the ship late having caught nothing though the ship kept raising its colors to tell us where the whales were. Saw them several times out on the boats but could not get close no matter how hard we rowed or how much the wind pushed us. It is like chasing ghosts I am half convinced that even though I saw them and so did everyone else it is us all coming down with a disease that makes us see whales where there aren’t any. O we should not be chasing whales we need to get to port. Barometer 30.2.

Remarks Thursday 18th of February 1869, 620th Day

Whole crew is angry because we have changed course and are chasing whales. The master cares more about reporting an extra 50 bbls of oil than he does about us. Everyone knew that of course but it is difficult to see it so plainly when we are just days from port and we all want liberty. If we had been anywhere else in the world it would be fine to chase whales but we are not. Lowered boats again mid afternoon when we spotted them but didn’t get close enough before the sun went down to make a kill.

Remarks Friday 19th of February 1869, 621st Day

Terrible day but at least I can thank the Lord that no one was drowned or killed.

Saw whales 7 ½ A.M. lowered boats immediately. All were anxious to catch a whale if we catch one we will perhaps turn back towards the Sandwich Islands. As we were lowering boats I could hear KJ say from the B boat over and over A dead whale or a stove boat A dead whale or a stove boat. Well I did not want to get stove in! I am a brave man and I have killed many whales it is not that I am a coward. But I did not want to get stove I wanted to live long enough to get to port and that was what I was telling myself as we lowered and set off. Maybe I am a poor whaleman to think my life and Tobey’s and all the rest of us is worth more than 50 bbls. Tobacco and cloth from the slop are dear on ships but men’s lives are cheaper than anything else!

We could see the whales even from the boat though they kept diving out of sight. Chased them for several hours. The third mate kept turning around to look with the glass at the ship and see what they were signalling and we turned so many times that even I was nearly seasick. The L and B boats were so far away from us that we could barely see them either. But the whales were in sight by afternoon and it seemed sure that today we would get them if we could sneak up on them before they heard us and dove. We pulled down the sail and went to oars and o we were as quiet as you have ever heard it was nothing but the sound of the water slapping the sides of the boat and you could hear the whales spout and splash their tails.

The B boat was with us next to the closest whale but we were closer and I got ready and waited for the third mate’s signal. I am a better harpooner than KJ and so I was going to try my hand first but KJ and the second mate they looked like they were going to try and I didn’t notice I had my eyes right on the whale as we got as close as we possibly could creeping up behind it. I darted and got my first iron in but then before I could get my second one thrown KJ had darted too and the whale was angry o he was as angry as I had ever seen. He sounded and started going down before I got my second iron in but both the B boat and us were fastened tight to him and as soon as he started going down I knew there would be trouble I was tempted to cut the line the second it started spinning out through the bow chock. The L boat which had been after another whale was nowhere to be seen or at least I was not looking for them I was too busy trying to keep our boat upright in the water now that I was back at the steering oar. The third mate had taken up his lance but the boat was being pulled every which way as the whale went down underneath us he was trying to come up behind us to stove us in and our line was getting tangled with the B boat’s.

Every second that we were in that boat I was thinking of picking up the hatchet and cutting the line and letting the whale go but the third mate yelled to hold on. I think he thought that if we didn’t get a whale we would have no hope of getting to port soon. 

Then the whale came up underneath us right underneath us and the third mate tried at him with the lance but we were lifted o it must have been twenty feet in the air I do not know and with such a lurch that the third mate went overside right away and Tobey dropped his oar and just clung on to the boat for dear life. I reached for the hatchet to cut the line but it was gone in the water and then the boat came down. I tried with my own knife but the line was going so fast out that I couldn’t touch it without my hand getting wrapped in it and I would have been ripped in pieces if I had gotten caught up in it.

The whale was tangled in our line and the line from the B boat. When the whale charged us again he knocked the boat over and all of us who were still in it ended up in the water. I could see nothing and hear nothing and I could not get my head above the waves and I was hit on the side of the boat and nearly caught in the rope. I have never in my life been closer to dying than in that moment.

KJ took up his hatchet and cut the B boat’s line I knew he did it because the second mate yelled at him later. But he got them rowed away from the whale and our W boat was tangled in the rope and the whale and the whale was running as fast as he could the force of his tail nearly drew me under the water again.

Tobey had swam for the B boat and when I got my head above the water I could see KJ pulling him in. I saw the third mate in the water and he was never such a good swimmer so I got him in my arms and everyone else thank the Lord also made it to the B boat and they got us all up. 

A dead whale or a stove boat Well the boat got stove or at least carried off by the whale it is gone. The first time in my life I have lost a boat like that. I hope I never go whaling again.

The master is always angry and even when he yelled at us I could barely hear him. I was just watching some cloud pass overhead.

Remarks Saturday 20th of February 1869, 622nd Day

The master ordered one of the spare boats outfitted to replace the lost W boat and we are still chasing whales. Another two men have come forward complaining about the scurvy though I do not know if they are telling the truth or not and Antonio has no interest in giving his professional opinion. Even KJ has begun to have a grim look in his eyes when the master walks by. Lowered boats early caught nothing. I saw Tobey in some conversation with their heads together and a terrible look on their faces and they all hushed right up when I came by. I told Tobey not to do anything that would get him killed but o he never listens to me.

Remarks Sunday 21st of February 1869, 623rd Day

Lowered boats again 10 A.M. returned 8 P.M. caught nothing. The whales are there we have seen them. But they are always just farther away than we can get. We need to get to port instead of staying here the mood is very bad on board. Barometer 30.1.

Remarks Monday 22nd of February 1869, 624th Day

Saw whales late afternoon lowered boats came back by sunset no luck. Went down to the focsle to give Tobey one of his pipes back I had wrapped the stem in rope for him and found him with the W boat’s hatchet that I thought had been lost when our boat got dragged away by the whale. He had it just tucked in his bunk not even in his trunk o there is going to be trouble if all the foremast hands are with him and do not mind him having such a thing. I asked for it but he would not give it to me. If he is talking everyone into a mutiny he will get us all killed or at least himself and probably me too. I wonder if Antonio knows what trouble is coming or anyone else up in the steerage or anyone in the officers’ quarters. I should speak with the third mate I know him well but o I could not do that to Tobey.

We are just a week of sailing out from the Sandwich Islands this is not very far it is close enough that a boat could get there if you were careful with your water and with the sail and the compass.

O this is not something I should ever think about. But I am imagining tonight on my watch greasing everything up to lower a boat silently into the water and taking Tobey and running.

Remarks Tuesday 23rd of February 1869, 625th Day

Saw whales and lowered and nothing once again. Antonio asked me and he was very casual when he did but o I could hear in his voice what he really meant and he asked me how much longer did I think this could go on. And I told him let’s be patient. We’re only a week out from port we could turn there at any time and all will be well if we do won’t it. And he said yes but when. I told him to ask the third mate who can ask the master. But Antonio wouldn’t go ask. But o no one can stand any more of this. It’s a matter of days. Do the officers know? That is the question. That will determine so much. But I do not know.

Remarks Wednesday 24th of February 1869, 626th Day

Saw whales lowered again nothing. One of the whales that we could not get to was dragging the W boat around still. Somehow it manages to be faster than we are even with its burden. I wonder how long it will go like that before it manages to loosen the rope or smash the boat to pieces. But perhaps the thing is so tied up in it that it cannot reach the boat with its tail or its head to smash it and it will never get free. I wonder if it can even dive with that stuck on it. But it goes so fast over the top of the water that it hardly matters if it can dive or not it seems to me we have no way of catching it.

Returned to the ship in terrible spirits this all seems like it will continue forever. The third mate asked me after we returned he asked how long will this go on. I know why he thinks that I know but I do not know. I asked him what he planned and he said Amos you cannot ask me that question even if we are friends.

Well are we friends? I looked at him but I didn’t ask him that. 

It is strange to be on this ship and think that I will leave it soon one way or another. It will have to be tonight or tomorrow night when I am on watch. I cannot let Tobey get himself killed and it must only be a few more days. It is a miracle that the master has not yet heard about the plot it seems that everyone else has. And if he hears about it or if it begins Tobey will be shot dead I know it. So I will say goodbye to this ship tonight. When I go in to the main cabin to eat my dinner I will look at the photograph hanging there and say Hello Mrs. Williams you are looking fine. Will you tell my dear back home…

O what will I tell you. What can I say.